Trust

Well if it isn't a concept I've severely struggled with my entire life! It's one of the constant, deeply nagging anxieties at the periphery of my consciousness for as long as I can remember. I've made a lot of progress this past decade but it's still something that haunts me often and leaves me frozen in doubt, fear and a painfully closed heart at times.

There is a pattern I've observed where I've trusted and connected instantly with the wrong people, who really don't have my best interests at heart. I've discovered this lies in my avoidant or escapist defence mechanisms, where I've chosen people who won't really hold me accountable for my flaws because they're also (maybe unconsciously) chasing the high of escapist passion, which inevitably burns out quick and harshly. Then when it comes to potential for real vulnerability, I sometimes get terrified, split, and run away, sometimes pushing the other person in the opposite direction. All of this confuses me to this day, wondering what the heck did I do, what could I have done, and why this keeps happening even though I've been trying my best. It makes me question my ability to trust my judgement, therefore affecting my self-trust and if that is something that I cannot overcome then how the heck am I supposed to trust other people? Sometimes leaning on the law of serendipity isn't enough when you don't have a well sought out plan in navigating these issues.

In my last post I shared an excerpt on Brene Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness, which is continuing to inspire my writing at the moment. I believe this is a solid map of how to navigate healing within issues of trust. This is around the end of Ch.2:

"Braving Skills You don't wanter into the wilderness unprepared. Standing alone in a hypercritical environment or standing together in the midst of difference requires one tool above all others: trust. To brave the wilderness and become the wildnerness we must learn how to trust ourselves and trust others.   The definition of trust that best aligns with my data comes from Charles Feltman. Feltman describes trust as "choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions", and he describes distrust as deciding that "what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or in any situation)".   Because getting our head around a concept as big as trust is difficult, and because general conversations on the theme of "I don't trust you" are rarely productive, I dug into the concept to better understand what we're really talking about when we say trust. Seven elements of trust emerged from the data as useful in both trusting others and trusting ourselves. I use the acronym BRAVING for the elements.   I love using BRAVING as a wilderness checklist because it reminds me that trusting myself or other people is a vulnerable and courageous process.

Trusting others: Boundaries- You respect my boundaries, and when you're not clear about what's okay and not okay, you ask. You're willing to say no. Reliability- You do what you say you'll do. This means staying aware of your competences and limitations so you don't overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities. Accountability- You own your mistakes, apologize and make amends. Vault- You don't share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidence are kept, and that you're not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential. Integrity- You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them. Non-judgement- I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgement. Generosity- You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.

Self trust: I can't imagine anything more important in the wilderness than self-trust. Fear will lead us astray and arrogance is even more dangerous. If you reread this checklist and change the pronouns, you'll see that BRAVING also works as a powerful toll for assessing our level of self trust.

B- Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what's okay and what's not okay? R- Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do? A- Did I hold myself accountable? V- Did I respect the fault and share appropriately? I- Did I act from my integrity? N- Did I ask for what I needed? Was I non-judgemental about needing help? G- Was I generous towards myself?"

Now that this map is available to me, I will use it to help me align myself with the values and beliefs I uphold, not just in my mind but in the ways I want to embody myself. Let me know your reflections on this and if you can relate or add to this in any helpful way. Also, Merry Christmas! XD

Artwork by Francisco De Zurbarán - Allégorie De La Charité (1655)